A women was struggling to find a purpose of her life. She had not had work for a long time. She depended on others, and she did what they said. She had been part of a religious group, but she felt that she couldn’t be who she really was, there were so many rules, so she left. Since this time she has felt lost.
I asked her:
ME: When was the first time you had this feeling?
HER: When I was growing up I was always told what to do, and when to do it. To please my mom I did everything she asked. I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t be a careless, playful kid. I was always the responsible child.
ME: How would make you feel to be able to do what you want, and not what others tell you?
HER: It would be feel like ….. freedom. I’m accepted. People can love me how I am.
To begin we symbolized her Mom and her. I took foot prints from my bag, and placed them on the floor next to her saying, “This is your mother.” If it is a workshop I would ask someone to step on the mother’s foot prints, but in a private constellation I would step on the foot prints. I asked the person who was standing on the mother’s foot prints how she felt.
MOM: I feel big, and very controlling. But the same time lost and scared.
I ask the client how she feels?
HER: I feel vulnerable. I feel I want to break free, but I’m afraid what to do with my life without her telling me what to do.
ME: Mom how you feel when you hear your daughter saying this?
MOM: I didn’t know that’s how you feel. I thought I was protecting you with these rules, so you will not go down a bad path.
I bring her Grandma in (I bring more foot prints out that represent her grandmother). She was very controlling as well (There was no father figure as both her mother and grandma raised their children without a supportive man. But that we dealt with in another constellation). Using the footsteps to represent different maternal figures I let them all talk. Many times we need to go way back, to great grandparents (I have many footsteps with me) to find the root of the problems. I believe that when we find where the issue is coming from then we are able to start to heal. Beginning to heal from the root of the issue means that the healing will be more powerful and the changing process will be faster.
At the end everybody feels refreshed, processed, good. The mother can be stand behind her daughter, supporting her, without controlling her. Now the daughter can let this go, and begin again.
This is the first step. What she do with this refreshing information is up to her. More than twenty-five years of holding back, and being afraid, and following others out of that fear, will not go away after one constellation, but it is a good start.
After the constellation I assign some writing exercises, and some meditations. This helps turn what we learned in the family constellation into a daily practice; to re-learn how to let go and how to step forward in knowledge. Most of my clients report back to me that with the knowledge from the constellation and the meditations and writings they are able to successfully start to moving the direction they want to go. They see change in their lives and start to move on for the better. ☺