Family Constellation

Family Constellation 2.

(All names have been changed)

Mark was having difficulty finding work. He was construction. He always got great feedback with any job. He works well and fast. He knows what he is doing; he’s an expert.  He doesn’t understand why his calendar isn’t filling up with work. What’s wrong with people?


ME:    What you think what is the issue?

MARK:    Well, I have a big mouth.  I tend to be kind of a know-it-all (his eyes got wide and he looked down) and some of my clients don’t like it.

ME:    How would you feel if you pay for somebody and they tell you wrong, and you need to do what they say?

MARK: (keeps looking down and away)

We set up footprints that represent him and footprints that represent his clients.  I put someone else from the workshop on Mark’s footprints and someone on the client’s footprints.

MARK REP:    He feels very large. Like he is above this.  What are they thinking? Who are they are to telling him what to and how to do it?

CLIENTS REP:    Clients feel closed off–they know he is a very good worker, but he’s hard to work with.

I see this situation is not going to resolve it self, so I bring in his dad. He was best friend with his father who had a same attitude. Egoistic, not that many people could understand him, and he loved get into a fight with anyone, just to see who is a better man. Unfortunately, Mark’s father passed years ago, and Mark still feels the loss. He couldn’t say goodbye.

We set the father and son footprints up toe to toe, face to face. For a few minutes they both stand there, crying. There was much love and unspoken words there.

DAD:     I wish I could go back and tell you how I was is not the way you should be. I was arrogant because I felt alone, that I needed the protection. I was a kind and nice man, but I learned at an early age if I am nice, I will get stepped on. So I changed my attitude to protect myself.  But I wish I had learned how to be more open in some situations.

I could see Mark start to loosen up. Hearing his dad he could let his ego go. He was beginning to feel better and understand that being vulnerable is not the same as being weak.

After he heard what he need to hear from his father, I turned him around to speak to his client. He was more realistic and realized he needed to be polite and respectful. He was safe and did not need the extra protection of a know-it-all attitude. He understands that he is not less of a man for being polite, he is  smart. Being polite will bring him more work and more money.

In the end I told him write down what he learned, that every job is a job. Big jobs, always start with a small job.

One month later he wrote me that he had been working everyday since our constellation. He thanked me for helping him learn how to put ego to the side when he goes in for a job.


Example of the Family Constellation

A women was struggling to find a purpose of her life. She had not had work for a long time. She depended on others, and she did what they said. She had been part of a religious group, but she felt that she couldn’t be who she really was, there were so many rules, so she left. Since this time she has felt lost.

I asked her:
ME: When was the first time you had this feeling?

HER: When I was growing up I was always told what to do, and when to do it. To please my mom I did everything she asked. I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t be a careless, playful kid. I was always the responsible child.

ME: How would make you feel to be able to do what you want, and not what others tell you?

HER: It would be feel like ….. freedom. I’m accepted. People can love me how I am.
To begin we symbolized her Mom and her. I took foot prints from my bag, and placed them on the floor next to her saying, “This is your mother.” If it is a workshop I would ask someone to step on the mother’s foot prints, but in a private constellation I would step on the foot prints. I asked the person who was standing on the mother’s foot prints how she felt.

MOM: I feel big, and very controlling. But the same time lost and scared.
I ask the client how she feels?

HER: I feel vulnerable. I feel I want to break free, but I’m afraid what to do with my life without her telling me what to do.

ME: Mom how you feel when you hear your daughter saying this?

MOM: I didn’t know that’s how you feel. I thought I was protecting you with these rules, so you will not go down a bad path.

I bring her Grandma in (I bring more foot prints out that represent her grandmother). She was very controlling as well (There was no father figure as both her mother and grandma raised their children without a supportive man. But that we dealt with in another constellation). Using the footsteps to represent different maternal figures I let them all talk. Many times we need to go way back, to great grandparents (I have many footsteps with me) to find the root of the problems. I believe that when we find where the issue is coming from then we are able to start to heal. Beginning to heal from the root of the issue means that the healing will be more powerful and the changing process will be faster.
At the end everybody feels refreshed, processed, good. The mother can be stand behind her daughter, supporting her, without controlling her. Now the daughter can let this go, and begin again.

This is the first step. What she do with this refreshing information is up to her. More than twenty-five years of holding back, and being afraid, and following others out of that fear, will not go away after one constellation, but it is a good start.

After the constellation I assign some writing exercises, and some meditations. This helps turn what we learned in the family constellation into a daily practice; to re-learn how to let go and how to step forward in knowledge. Most of my clients report back to me that with the knowledge from the constellation and the meditations and writings they are able to successfully start to moving the direction they want to go. They see change in their lives and start to move on for the better. ☺